As you can see in the December calendar, we’re trying to slow down in this month. December is always busy. Aron’s birthday is only one week before Christmas, and everyone wants to finish everything by the end of the year. So there’s a push from every direction.
After coming back from our holiday in Spain, we had a difficult few weeks with Aron. With changes always comes the downhill ride, but we’re still not always prepared for it. We tend to forget it. But it never fails to remind us. Even if he has fun. Or I should say especially when he has fun. We had two meetings in the school since then, and things are getting better. But I heard something for the first time from Aron: he said he wanted to end his life, because he was so stupid. Even now, more than a month later I have to cry as I write it down. He’s not even seven. It hurts as hell. Autistic people often feel depressed and anxious, especially on the high functioning end. They are well aware of their difficulties, that’s one of the reasons, but they can also be nagged too much because of their weaknesses. We, as parents have to improve on that one. With a family background of high achievers and control freak perfectionists it’s hard to get rid of these programs in our brains. But we’re doing our best.
We have a good relationship with Aron’s teachers, and his special teacher (Hanna) is an angel. She knows how to deal with him, and she teaches us too. With a kid like Aron usual methods don’t work. Love, love a little bit more, and be extra-hyper patient. That’s the recipe. Sounds sooo freaking simple. I will not go into details why it’s not. If you have a kid, you have a slight idea. If you have a kid on the spectrum, you know this too well. (I have thought about tattooing love + patience on Aron’s forehead, so every time I look at him, I’m reminded, even when my lizard brain wants to take over).
That all said I also have a new role at work from October. Which was kind of a surprise, for I was told to prepare for leaving from January because of reorganization. I’d been doing as I was told, taking on huge side projects, so I could stand on my own after losing my job. This resulted in a sleep deprived situation. But I’ll manage. I put the Emotiblot cards aside, didn’t hold a brush for more than a month by now, but I thought it was OK. I’d restart in February, I believed. And then came 5th of December.
I received the first message before we left the house in the morning. I didn’t think too much of it. I was never written about on a Hungarian news site before. I though it was like blog recommendations fifteen years ago: would disappear in 10 minutes. It didn’t. People started to congratulate me, I received emails from strangers. And the funny feeling started to emerge from my stomach. An hour later all I wanted to do was curling up in a dark corner and cry after I deleted my website. Can’t explain why, it felt strange to be looked at by so many people at the same time, even virtually. Never felt this way before. And it was before I even read the negative comments. So amazing how our brain grabs on negativity so much quicker than on the positive things. Bottom line: don’t read comments on social media if you’re exposed to a huge amount of people. Fortunately I had the strength (have no idea how) to not respond, and because of it I was only struggling with destructive feelings for one day. I still have this slight fear (sitting on my shoulder) of not being enough, not being responsible enough, not handling things well. But thanks to my wonderful friends I’m OK by now. I know that if I’m doing what I love, and what I believe in, then nothing can happen. I continue being myself, opening up even more. Hence this post.
I want people to realize that I’m a human being, with faulty manufacturing, like all of us. That’s our imperfect perfection. I don’t want anyone to have a distorted image of me. I’d like everyone to see the struggles just as much as the happiness we experience.
From now on I’ll write more about autism, mainly because I want to learn more about it. I’d like to see how I can use my abilities to help Aron the most. If I help others along the way too, then I’ll be thrilled. I know, because it happened. I’ll write about it next time.